The messages that I receive are always true, but are not always easy to accept. While I have spent so much time helping others, I still find that there are many of my own issues that still plague me. Yesterday was a day that brought forth a lesson that I was unexpectedly unprepared for and one that I believe to be universal, so I would like to share this message as we might all benefit from this challenging lesson.
I have one relationship in my life that has brought me years and years of pain and heartache. I have struggled to make sense of the decisions, some being criminal, that this person has made when they knew the damage done to me would be irreversible. Even though this relationship has never been one that brought me any joy or comfort, the draw and pull to this person is so strong that it has been nearly impossible for me to let go.
A few months ago, I decided that in order to complete my recovery and get on with the life that I was meant to live, I would have to stop giving this person any of my time or energy. It was a difficult decision to come to, but I knew that it must be taken if I was going to finally cut ties to my past. I did a few rituals to help me process the loss and solidify my decision to move on and immediately afterwards I felt an instant relief and lightness wash over me and I knew that I had done the right thing for myself. I felt like I finally stood up for myself and put my needs first for a change and the empowerment that I developed helped propel me forward. I felt motivated to start this new chapter of my life where I could finally use all of the skills and lessons that I have learned to help others. It was liberating.
My husband, who rarely recognizes when I chop 5 inches of hair off, started to notice the major shift that was occurring and asked what was different. I told him that I finally decided to let go of the past and to no longer give any more of my time and attention to people that did not deserve either of those things. He was beyond happy to hear this news, as he has been witness to my struggles over the last decade and he felt like he could finally stop worrying about losing his wife.
I was continuing to make changes that were drastically improving my quality of life and I finally began to feel that I had everything under control. And then yesterday happened, and I felt like I was hurled backwards, landing right back into the hole that I worked so hard to climb out of.
I started receving messgaes letting me know that this person would soon be departing this life as they were not in good health. I thought that I had mentally prepared myself for this and expected to feel nothing but relief that someone who has caused me so much harm would no longer be a threat to me mentally or physically, but that is not what happened. I didn't feel numb. I felt angry and sad. I felt angry that I felt sad. I felt sad that I felt angry. These emotions seemed so counterintuitive to all of the work that I have been doing, but I didn't realize that my work wasn't done. I had not completed the step of acceptance and that is precisely where I found myself yesterday.
I have to accept that this person will not give me what I want while they are here in this life. They will not accept responsilibty for their actions and they will not offer me any form of apology or explanaiton as to why they repeatedly sacrificed my safety and well-being. By Universal Law, if someone does not pay back their karmic debts in this lifetime, then they will continue to do so in their next life, or lives. The debts that this person has accrued are so great and so many, that it is not possible for them to even make a dent in the repayment process this time around.
This was a hard reality for me to accept, as I felt like I was being gypped out of what was rightfully mine to receive. While I may, in fact, be gypped out of any acknowledgment and restitution, that was not a part of the work that I had to do. I had to work on accepting that someone else completing, or not completing, their work, was not my business. This message came through loud and clear as I was reading the book, "The Divine Matrix" by Gregg Braden. "Our ability to trascend the hurt of life's disappointments or to forgive those who have violated our trust, for example, allows us to redefine what such experiences mean in our lives."
So this is where I find myself at the present moment in time, trying to redefine what those experiences mean in my life. Previously my experiences with this person led me to believe that I was unworthy of love, I was not a good person, and I did not deserve to be happy in my life because there was something fundamentally flawed about me. You can imagine where those beliefs led me! Alcoholism, addiction, eating disorder, etc. A very dark and dangerous road to travel and one that I am happy and proud to say that I have gotten off of. I am clean, sober, and healthy and am on a new road, of my chooosing. So how am I going to incorporate this past relationship into this new journey of mine? How am I going to make sure that I will never again veer off onto that dark road? By redefining what that relationship means in the grand sceheme of my life.
I no longer expect any apology, explanation, or reparation for the damage done by this person and I accept that the consequences of that damage is not my responsiblity to dole out. I walk away from this relationship knowing that I am only responsbile for the outcome of my life and that there no longer needs to be a tie between myself and this person. I can make the choice to walk away, knowing that there will be a mix of emotions about doing so and that those emotions are valid and ones to be honored rather than suppressed. I can begin to change the beliefs that I hold for myself and about myself and I no longer will look to others to create those beliefs for me. I am the creator of my own self-beliefs. I can pen my self-worth in my own words.
While there is a sense of sadness over what will never be, there is also a great sense of freedom in beoming the master of my own destiny.
As I stated earlier, I believe that this lesson is one of universal value and I urge you all to look upon those relationships in your life that cause you pain, distress, and emotional torment and ask yourself if the beliefs that you hold are ones that you have written for yourself or are they ones that were given to you by those people who are causing you harm? If they are inherited or imbued, then I encourage you to let them go and begin to write the beliefs that accurately reflect the person that you truly are, for only you know the true essence of your soul.